Vegetables by Spongebob Squarepants

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is a guest post from everyone’s favorite character, Spongebob. What’s so great about Spongebob? Well, he’s relentlessly optimistic, and he’s always upbeat. Who better to write on a subject everyone hates (vegetables) than Spongebob? Spongebob takes us through the ringer with how to make them tasty. (HT: Idiot Nerd Girl)

Hey guys, Spongebob here!

Spongebob

Patrick was just telling me how much he hates vegetables. HATES THEM!

Patrick

Can you believe that? Right, Gary?

Gary?

Hello, Gary?

Where is that mollusk?

Well, anyway.

How great are vegetables?

Aren’t vegetables so tasty?

Come on guys, I want to hear it! Tell me how great vegetables are! TELL ME!

I bet even Squidward likes vegetables. Of course, we’ll just ask mini-Squidward, since Squidward told me today is opposite day. Mini-Squidward, aren’t vegetables delicious?!

“Right, Spongebob!”

I could sing a song about how great vegetables are. They’re so good for you!

I love my vegetables. I eat them three times a day. I even eat vegetables in my sleep!

Some people say they don’t like vegetables, can you believe it? Vegetables are so dreamy. They’re colorful, delicious, and yummy. Sometimes, I even sleep with my vegetables.

I know some awesome ways to prepare them.

Bake ‘em

Ahhh, baking. I love baking. I LOOOOOVE BAKING! Sometimes, I’ll bake our krabby patties but don’t tell Mr. Krabs!

Did you know that you can bake vegetables? Yes! It makes them softer. Good vegetables to bake include brussel sprouts, asparagus, green beans, and of course, krabby patties. Krabby patties are a vegetable, right? Actually, any vegetable is bake-able, haha!

What’s so great about baking, you ask?! It makes the vegetables soft. Mmmm, so soft and tasty. Then, you can finish it off on the stovetop with a little oil and salt. Yummy!

Pan-fry ‘em

Stovetop frying is how we usually make our patties, but even I don’t have a stovetop at home. You can use a pan for this! I loooove pan-frying my vegetables because it reminds me of cooking patties! Just heat up the pan, put a little oil in the bottom, put your veggies in, and brown ‘em on all sides! Deeeee-licious!

Krabby patties are the BEST!

Dip ‘em

What better way to enjoy beautiful vegetables than to dip them in some sauce?! I love dipping my vegetables in some honey mustard or Krabby sauce. Did you know that Krabby sauce is the BEST sauce in the world? Yup. Well, you can just substitute for your favorite sauce, though I doubt it’ll be as good as mine, hehehe!

Salt ‘em

There’s nothing better than some salt, yum yum! Mmm, mmm, mmm! Salt brings out flavor profiles that weren’t there before. It makes the vegetables taste WAYYYY different and YUMM-Y! A very, very yummy different, of course. You could add a little pepper to them, too, but salt is my favorite!

Smother ‘em

Remember that time I smothered my krabby patty in jellyfish sauce?

Jellyfish jelly

Man, did that take off. Well, you can take this same idea and use it with vegetables! Just smother them in butter, Italian dressing, maybe add some krabby patties on top.. Just sayin’!

Well guys, I hope I’ve turned those frowns upside down in the name of vegetables! And, I hope you learned that krabby patties and vegetables are one in the same. Let me know your favorite way of eating your vegetables. Maybe we can even have a vegetable party! I’ll get Gary to plan it because he’s good at that kind of stuff.

Advertisements

Baby Food: It’s for Adults, too!

I eat baby food.

Baby food in pouches via Happy Baby Brands

Baby food in pouches
via Happy Baby Brands

Yeah, you read that right.

All baby food is is mashed up whole foods, so why would I not eat it?

At the store the other day, I was standing in line holding my basket, waiting to be checked out. My favorite baby food, Happy Baby, was on sale, so I was stocking up on some of my favorites. A woman behind me looked in my basket and inquired, “Aw, you have a baby?”

For a brief moment I paused. This was completely awkward. I don’t have kids, so how am I going to explain this?

I had two choices: lie and say I had a baby or don’t lie and say it’s for me. Now, if I said it’s for my baby, she’d probably ask how old the baby was, whether it’s a boy/girl, etc. That was way too much work. So, I chose the latter.

“No,” I replied. “I eat these.”

The woman just stared at me. I think she was perplexed. Here I was, a full-grown adult, buying and eating baby food. She was probably wondering if there was something wrong with me. Maybe I have some kind of baby-complex disorder. Maybe I liked pretending to be a baby. I can only imagine what she was thinking.

“Oh,” she said. “I see.”

But come on, doesn’t it make sense to buy these awesome little pouches? It reminds me a lot of the apple sauce pouches I see a lot of people eat (PS: I love apples, but I hate apple sauce. Maybe they should try adding some veggies to it). How convenient is that?

I’ll tell you how convenient: SO CONVENIENT! You don’t even have to refrigerate it. Plus! It’s made with organic ingredients. AND! They have zero chemicals. It’s just whole foods pureed, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), and lemon juice. That’s it. Can you get any better than that? I think not.

Just because it says “baby” on it doesn’t mean it’s not for me. These pouches are incredibly convenient when I have to finish my lunch in 15 minutes. Granted, they are each like 60-70 calories, but I still manage to get some fruits and veggies into my system. Plus, it helps me get some vegetables in that I don’t normally eat (like sweet potatoes or pumpkin). On top of that, they‘re really delicious! Taste is one of the things I most favor when I choose products.

Trust me, friends, this baby food stuff is winning. It’s definitely gourmet primal food for the elegant palate. When the trend of eating baby foods goes off, you’ll be thinking about me.

So, What Exactly DO You Eat?

I get questions all the time: “What do you eat?” “How many calories do you consume?” “Like.. no bread? How is that even possible?”

Let me preface by saying: I don’t count calories. Ever.

I know I just blew your mind. You’re probably thinking, “WTF??!! No, you’re on a diet. You count calories.” Wellllll, no. I don’t. I just don’t care to because it’s way too time consuming for me. I eat when I’m hungry, and usually, I eat what I want to eat. I go through periods when I eat way more fruit than I should and that’s okay.

My meals mostly consist of proteins and vegetables, as well as some type of fat (lately, it has been olive oil). Though, on my long days at school, I sometimes have yogurt, nuts, or fruit (or all three).

When you look at my meals, you may think, “Holy crap, that’s a lot of vegetables! Are you crazy with those vegetables?” and yes, it’s mainly a vegetable filled plate; those vegetables are always cooked in fat or oil. This is because the feeling of fullness generally disappears on the paleo diet as you cut out carbs. A large consumption of fat is necessary for the feeling of satiety. Fat is not bad for you. Mark from Mark’s Daily Apple notes that it isn’t fat causing atherosclerosis (thickening of the artery walls) but oxidized LDL (the bad cholesterol).

In order to feel full, I listen to my body. It usually goes like this:

Brittany, I’m craving some brussel sprouts.

To which I’ll say, “By golly, I should make some brussel sprouts in olive oil!”

Does my body want protein? Then, I’ll have a protein filled plate. Does it want veggies? Fruit? I don’t deprive my body of what it’s telling me it wants, and I think this is a huge reason this diet has been a success.

I’ll eat what I want, thanks! You ain’t the boss of ME!

Brussel sprouts, asparagus, & grass-fed beef

Brussel sprouts, asparagus, & grass-fed beef

Here is a meal I ate the other day (I’m on a huge brussel sprout kick right now). I was feeling incredibly hungry, so I added a lot of veggies (cooked in olive oil) to my plate. Notice that I didn’t cut the fat off the beef. First of all, I think fat is delicious. Second, it’s great for you, as we’ve established.

Typical breakfast: eggs, brussel sprouts, green beans, oranges, and coffee

Typical breakfast: eggs, brussel sprouts, green beans, oranges, and coffee. Not pictured: morning smoothie.

Morning smoothie: 1 cup swiss chard or spinach, 1 banana, 1 handful raspberries, 5 strawberries, 1-2 tablespoons coconut oil, 1 tablespoon green matcha

Morning smoothie: 1 cup swiss chard or spinach, 1 banana, 1 handful raspberries, 5 strawberries, 1-2 tablespoons coconut oil, 1 tablespoon green matcha

The above is my typical breakfast: protein, vegetables, and fruit. Coconut oil (in my smoothie) is ohhhh my god so good for your skin and health in general. Coconut oil has medium-chain triglycerides; MCTs are “easily digested, absorbed, and put to use nourishing the body.”

A typical lunch at home (the salad was a bonus)

A typical lunch at home (the salad was a bonus). Turkey andouille sausage, brussel sprouts, asparagus, and a raw vegetable salad.

At home, I have protein and vegetables for lunch. I had a “bonus” salad because I went to the store. A majority of the salad dressing is made from olive oil. Olive oil is my favorite oil to use because it reduces oxidized LDL (the bad cholesterol) and helps raise HDL (the good cholesterol).

It may look like my diet doesn’t vary very much, but it actually does. I’m just on a huge brussel sprout and asparagus kick lately. I’m not perfect; I don’t always have a protein for lunch. Or, I may have a few more brazil nuts than I should. GASP! It all depends on what my body is asking for.

Are you afraid of fat? Do you cook with fats or oils? If so, what kind do you use?

Edit: if you’re looking for good apps to use to track your diet, check out Unwilling Vegan’s post entitled “A Day in the Life of a College Vegan.”